Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Infertility you are a suckface.

If you are a boy, or my dad, then stop reading now. This post contains talk about the dreaded 'P' word

For some reason, I was under the impression that I wouldn't have a period for a glorious 21 months when I got pregnant. You know, a blissful 9 months of pregnancy and then another 12 months of breastfeeding afterwards. (Go ahead and start laughing..) The aftermath of childbirth certainly made up for the pregnancy months, I won't elaborate further. I was more appalled though to find that as soon as Selah was 5 months old that my cycle had returned!

Bummer. Breastfeeding, this is the only way you have let me down my friend.

If you are new to this blog (which is new in itself) you may not know, but we had a long and arduous struggle with infertility to become pregnant with Selah. I talk about it a little in this post and this one too. Our story is one of those that all women struggling with infertility hate. I find that funny now. I hated stories of breakthrough, because I was afraid it wouldn't happen for me. Basically, after all hope in medicine was gone, and all treatment thrown out the window, God swooped in and supernaturally blessed us with Selah. Her name means 'worshipful breath' because that is exactly what she was.
                                                                Photo by Tiffany Bonow
Infertility is a nasty beast, and although my days are joyous now, I feel in some ways as though I am just emerging from that four year darkness where every day was a struggle to find even the tiniest bit of joy. Infertility changes you, and that doesn't go away even when you are holding your baby in your arms. If you have struggled with conceiving, then you understand. As much as you may want to leave the past behind you, the world is colored in a different way forever. I'm certain that there are aspects of life with Selah which I cherish one-thousand times more than I would have before, but I also have undo fears of what the future may hold because of my past.

( I just wrote a cheesy metaphor about a rainbow looking different but still beautiful, and then I laughed my pants off about how RIIII-DONKULOUS it sounded!! You are spared; be thankful.)

So, now that things seem to be back to 'normal' with my physical body, which is a separate victory in and of itself, it seems ludicrous not to try to conceive again right away. But here's the thing, I don't really want to be pregnant again right now. This sounds CRAZY to say. Heck; I can't believe those words ever came out of my mouth, but it's really how I feel. I want to enjoy every little moment with Selah; I don't want to be puking my guts up all day long for eight months and miss out on tons of fun with her. I want to get my body into better physical shape. I want Selah to have siblings, but just not RIGHT NOW.

But I'm afraid. Afraid that if we don't do it now, then it will never happen. I'm not sure where exactly to go from here. For now, we're just enjoying today.
Selah's favorite book, a circa 1980's 'Cuddles Looks At'
Lots of love,
          Lindsey

23 comments:

  1. Lindsey, thanks for being so honest! I have had the same thoughts as you. I didn't struggle with infertility but had a miscarriage before my pregnancy with Noah. I have major fears of that happening again! As women we carry so many things in our hearts and it's nice to know that we can relate to one another and encourage each other on our individual journeys!

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  2. I really admire your honesty here. I've never suffered from infertility, since Rob and I haven't started trying to have children, but it's something I've thought about a lot. And now that I'm in my 20s I have a lot of friends who are going through it and iiiit suuucks. I can just tell that from their Facebook statuses and blog posts. I wish you the best of luck with babies, now with little Selah and later with future ones :)

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  3. Thanks you both. Sometimes I feel like I'm embarrassed about it and just want to be like all the 'other' moms, but I'm learning this is a part of my testimony.

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  4. I'm behind on my blogs...but getting caught up! You are exactly right, Lindsey - infertility sucks! I too sometimes am fearful of what the future holds, but just want to enjoy moment with the blessing we have. It truly does put a very different outlook on life!

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