Sunday, September 25, 2011

I have a secret: I'm fat.

Oh no! Say it's not true?!?
It's funny, right? That I feel like it's a secret...

I was thinking today, and I couldn't help but wonder if feeling secretive about my appearance influenced other thought patterns and choices that I make. Below is a little list I made of the sneaky ways I've discovered that being overweight has adversely affected my psyche.
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Posting pictures of myself:  If this blog is about me, and my life, then it would seem that I should at least posts a few pictures of myself from time to time. Sure my kid is cute, my house is adorable, and my crafts are trendy, but those things aren't who I am. Being fat isn't who I am. I promise to start posting more pictures of myself, and ones that aren't half-shadowed cropped images of my toes either.

Parenting: I want to be healthy for Selah, and I want Selah to be healthy too. I am super-adamant about feeding her quality nutritious food, and she is healthy. She is in the 95th percentile for height and the 75th for weight. What saddens me is when people say "Oh, look at those cute chubby thighs... I mean, uh, I don't mean she's chunky. She's just really tall." MY BABY HAS CHUBBY LEGS. BABIES ARE SUPPOSED TO HAVE CHUBBY LEGS. People are trying to be nice, but they are afraid to offend me.

The Weather/Personal Style: Fall has been my favorite season for as long as I can remember, but yesterday I came to realize that a large part of my preference for cooler weather was based on my current wardrobe. Sure I love a good cardigan, but I do not love wearing them throughout the hot Texas summer. And I wear them, sweltering temps and all, because my arms are chubby.  Despite my longings for vibrant color, and fondness for whimsical style, I feel constrained by my own size as well as the expectations of others regarding what plus-size women should wear.
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My weight has been a struggle for me as long as I can remember. Even as an athlete in high-school, consistently working out more than 10hrs a week, I was overweight. In the back of my mind, I sometimes  feel like I have a legitimate biological problem. Despite healthy body-sizes, four women in my immediate family have non-functioning or removed thyroids, and one of my sisters also has PCOS. All the more motivation to move towards a healthier me.

Whatever, whatever, I am not an excuses kind of person. I have a master's degree in Community Health Education. I am not ill-prepared. My brain is skinny, but alas, my thighs are not. It's time to even out the situation a little.

Maybe sharing my secret will help me move forward, out of the fat closet and into the fresh air. There's not much room to exercise in a closet. Of course, chin-ups are an option, but I've never been able to do those, not even for that dang Presidental Fitness Test in elementary school. I could always do everything but the chin-ups...

The bottom line is that I want to be healthy. I'm not focused on a number, just a feeling of freedom. You can expect to hear more about this in the future as I share my journey with you.

37 comments:

  1. You are beautiful inside and out! I love you!

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  2. You're a beautiful person, inside and out, just like the person above me said. I loved the frankness of this post, and I wish you all the best as always. <33 LOVE that last quote, so true!

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  3. dude, i actually feel inspired by YOU! it's so awesome that you see things for what they really are. i think that's a huge step in the right direction. personally for me, i just had to have a EFF it or leave it kind of attitude. i think we all sort of reach this breaking point from time to time. i totally back you up dude. and if you ever feel like tweeting about having weak moments, i'm there! because i have them ALL. THE. TIME. i think our bodies are made to want to store fat and to get as much fat as it can. i really do believe that. why else would we always crave meat and dairy and salt and sugar? it's natural. we just have to have control.

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  4. What a beautiful post. You truly are an inspiration and I am SO glad that you linked up with the Seven Day Push! I can't wait to read more about your journey.

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  5. Thank you all so much. It really does mean a lot to me. It was a scary post, and I feel like I really am turning a corner here!

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  6. It's all about one day at a time and one choice at a time. Be strong, love yourself and embrace the love of family and friends. The rest will come :)

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  7. I randomly stumbled upon your blog and absolutely love, love, love this post. I, too, am chubby and have been since high school. I played sports all year around and worked out religiously but was always one of the "bigger" girls. All of my friends were never bigger than around a size 6 while I was plowing toward Lane Bryant and filling up a size 14 by Junior year. In college I slipped into a 16 and now as a young graduate I am an 18. I don't consider myself fat, but definitely 'plus' side.
    I love your blog, your confidence and also your will to continue on the path of self-improvement. Keep it up! You arent alone! :)

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  9. Sorry, found a typo so I had to repost. But I LOVE this post. You're beautiful, done. And seriously, the words "Presidental Fitness Test" still cause me profuse stressed induced sweating. I was a chubby kid and the PE teacher should've known the very idea of me pulling up over a bar went against all laws of physics.

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  10. You are an absolutely amazing inspiration...I love this post.

    New follower since you stopped by :) So glad to have you and I can't wait to read more about you!

    -Heather

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