Thursday, September 22, 2011

Vaseline. Aka. Poop-stick.

We are a tag-teaming duo, Daniel and I. This is a parenting skill borne of necessity. Now that Selah is crawling, it is almost impossible to leave her unattended without returning to a mess that makes me analyze if I really needed to do X, Y, or Z in the first place.

In an effort to avoided unraveled skeins of yarn, paper thrown-up all over the rug, and  other similar messes, many of our getting-ready conversations are actually semi-yelled across the house as one of us baby-wrangles and the other quickly gets dressed.
This is her guilty face.
Recently, as I was putting on my make-up in the bathroom, I heard Daniel ask from Selah's nursery, "Hey, What's Vaseline for, exactly?" 

Now, I'm sure there are tons of uses for Vaseline. I've heard it can be used as make-up remover, skin moisturizer, and that it works wonders on rough elbows. It seems Daniel was no exception to these creative thinkers, as he was also pondering the possibilities of this utilitarian petroluem product.

However, I'd venture to say that any momma, or for that matter, any person familiar with babies, KNOWS WHAT THE VASELINE IS FOR... especially Vaseline that is found on the diaper-changing station. I'm not certain of everyone's methodology, but in our house, I stick the cleaned thermometer straight into the container of Vaseline before it goes straight into YOU KNOW WHERE.

Surely, Daniel also knew this, and he was simply inquiring about other possible uses for the product. I paused before I answered, not understanding the urgency of the situation. Also, I was mid-way across one eye with my eyeliner, unable to risk the possibility of a wonky line. It's killer to re-do eyeliner, and I always end up looking like I'm trying to cover-up a shiner.

When I finished my important task, I yelled around the corner perhaps the most glamorous sentence that has ever crossed my lips, "IT'S FOR THE BUTT-THERMOMETER...WHY?"

What I heard next could only be described as an indiscernible sound of horror. Sure enough, I walked into the nursery to find Daniel frantically wiping at his lips. His face was covered with disgust and panic. "I thought it would make a good Chapstick," he explained.

I think I  shrieked so loud, I scared the baby. Fits of vicious laughter ensued. (My laughter.) I almost needed to change my postpartum panties. Never one to pass an opportunity for a bad pun, I replied, "I'm sure it does, honey. I'm sure it does...but that's not Chapstick, it's Poop-stick!"

True to the form of an assimilated blogger husband, Daniel said,  "DO NOT BLOG ABOUT THIS, LINDSEY."

The End.

(FYI, reticent permission to share this story was eventually given. I suspect it took a little while for the poop-stick to wear off.)

Lots of love,


  1. hahaha We've not used it that way. Having a boy, our main reason was to protect a fresh circumcision in the early days. I just learned something new. Tell him to use lanolin if you have any left over. It would work, and at least nothing has been dipped into THAT.

  2. HAHAHA hilarious! Thanks for sharing this story, too funny!

    BTW I know I still owe you a profile picture. My sister hasn't been able to snap a picture and I didn't want to nag her! I'll get it ASAP!

  3. Hilarious!!! I'm sure Wes will soon have some moments similar to this one...

  4. oh my. as soon as I heard Vaseline...i knew what it was for. so funny. my MIL uses it for everything except for i might want to toss mine any time she visits, right?

  5. I only have one things to say: we'd totally be best friends if we knew each other in real life. THIS IS SO US, TOO!